Lehitra'ot Israel, Hello Hood!

Back on the couch after 2 weeks in Israel but before the i saw this and did that rambling, let's briefly discuss the trauma that is actually getting out of the country! Nothing like a 12:40am flight to really motivate the time to go home juices...but after the Sherut rolled up and we all piled in we eventually made it to the airport in the stinkiest, stalest smelling taxi ever! That is when the real fun began.

So to the front of the line I go and just the bags go up on the 1st conveyor belt but the guy says the stickers are missing and to go find the sticker girl. ok, so go find the sticker girl, found, now the grilling starts...and this is how it honestly went :

why are you here? how do you know each other, where do you work? why do you work there? are you part of any other "community"? why? are you jewish? do you speak hebrew? do you go to shul? why not? (i said no because i can't afford the tickets for high holiday services and think that really sucks, the airport chic didn't find that too funny) and then she said well i guess they do enough things at the JCC and did i talk to anyone else while i was in Jerusalem, mmmmm, well when they asked me if i wanted to buy anything every five seconds i walked past there little shop i said Lo, toda, (actually i thought that--couldn't say it cause i told them the only hebrew i ever learned was in hebrew school!) and that is when they make you feel like asking yourself if you "are you smarter than a fifth grader with no life-lines!" here's my thanks for coming to visit Israel now we'll make you feel like a total asshole before leaving inquisition:

1. why were you in israel? uhm, visiting friends who just had a baby and live on a kibbutz
2. what are there names? (in order to protect the identity of the family they have been left out)
3. what is the name of the kibbutz? (same as above)
4. Do you have any family living in Israel and did you see them? (this is tricky because i do actually have family living here-my grandpas brothers kids whom i've never met or spoke to) No?
5. Where is the kibbutz? right outside of Haifa
6. How did you get there? by car- ahhhh, so you had a car, why did you drive and where else did you go? uhm we drove because we didn't want to take a public bus and where else did we go well we pretty much Jerusalem....oops was i not supposed to say that?
7. What did you see in Jerusalem? the souk, the shouk, the wall, the damascus gate, mount olive, mmmmm....(thinking in my head- bitch you live here, you know what people come to see, why are you busting my ass?)
8. Where did you stay? The paulushaus-right outside the Damascus Gate and we stayed there because that is the place we chose to stay.
9. Did anyone give you anything? Uhm no, i bought my own food, wanna put me on the scale you can calculate the pounds and convert them into weight by Falafel.
10. You know i'm only asking you these questions because i want to make sure that nobody gave you anything like a bomb or explosives or anything like that? Am I supposed to answer that, thank her for almost ruining my entire trip and never wanting to come back because leaving is such an absolutely miserable experience. For fucks sake!
11. ok, you can go stand over there. And like a total moron I say "thank you" yeah thanks for that personal rape of my vacation?

And that is when we were finally able to get our luggage checked again and if you think the joy couldn't possibly continue---you have obviously not been to Israel and tried to get home. over to the next bag check...and here is how it goes:

1. Did you pack your own bags? Yes
2. Do you have any cosmetics? What?
3. Cosmetics? Do you have any toiletries? Oh cosmetics-uhm sorry i don't wear make-up so i don't consider shampoo cosmetics, but i guess yes i have some.
4. ok you can go stand over there. She probably thought i was a total retard and unable to answer any more questions.

Working at the airport sounds like the job of a lifetime, a barrel of laughs, you know.....

Completely drained, totally exhausted, and feeling all of about two feet tall (i apologize to anyone that is two feet tall and may feel this way on any given day!) all I wanted to get on the plane and get the hell home.

And what better way to cheer anyone up than a 12 hour flight!